Thursday, September 30, 2004

Forced Life.....

Its lil past 6 in my watch as well in sys-clock, planned work for the day is done, and view from desk doesn't make a very healthy sight, 80% people are still there with their eyes on monitors, some having 'there-is-no-tomorrow' looks , some having expressions as if they are watching some horror flick and obviously some fake looks.

Recently I got shifted to this floor, its a huge well-lit hall with capacity of around 135+ people, everybody having their name-plate mounted over the small pin-board in front of them. Luckily I sit at left-most-corner, so I can see whole sea of people from here.

I was just wondering, how many of these people are doing work of their liking, or are just working to get next salary, and before delving into others lives, I threw this question to myself.

Am I doing the work of my liking? i.e. sitting in a corner writing code / fixing bugs.
This is infact a tough one to answer...hmmmm....there are so many needs or habits which I've "cultivated" over time, so have to earn money to meet the "earned" needs {just got cc bills B-( }.

At times everything seems to be "Forced"...

1) have to get up at 6:30; whether i like it or not.
2) have to perform morning ablution; whether I feel like or not.
3) have to leave home by 7:30,so that can reach at work by 9:10; whether I want or not.
4) have to work on this "technology"; whether I enjoy it or not.
5) have to fill up the daily task report sheets; whether I feel like filling or not.
6) have to wait for a friend to finish his work; whether I like it or not.
Usually reach home around 10-10:30.
7) have to eat the dinner within 5 minutes of entering home {coz mom-dad start their lecture on eating-on-time/sleeping-on-time B-( }; whether I'm hungry or not.
8) have to sleep utmost by 12 ; whether I'm sleepy or not.
9) go to point 1)

Waise, deep down inside I know what I enjoy doing / love doing but not to the extent of making a living out of that, or may be I've not tried it till now coz I'm busy fulfilling "cultivated/earned" needs.

My days will come, sooner or later but for the sure. I'm confident.

Tuesday, September 28, 2004

Just like that.

Yesterday I wanted to write about Lata Mangeshkar on her 75th b'day but work kept me away.
And in the night came to know about the death of Mulk Raj Anand (1905-2004), at some point of time I used read him a lot, liked his "Untouchable" and "Coolie" immensely, his personal life equally fascinated my young mind during those days.

In news saw the brief interview of Lata Mangeshkar, she is amazing, at 75 she lends her voice to 15-18 yr youngs/olds, more than 62 years in this profession, singing numerous songs in numerous languages, making records, winning awards, all this amazes me, wow what a lady.
So many singers came and faded away, but she stood her ground against all odds. Our parents/even grand parents grew up listening to her, so its sort of in our genes to like her voice, so sort of do not know what sweetness of voice means other than hers.
Her voice has become a benchmark.

hmmm...though my favorite is her younger sister Asha aunty :-)

So many thoughts have been ringing in my skull, wanting to explode, I wanted to blurt them out as soon as possible, I wanted to write about "Types of bloggers”, about "Surfing channels at 11 in night", "about forthcoming cricket series", "ongoing dosti hockey series", about "Itsy-bitsy dressed 'kids' in shopping malls, "Agar milley khuda to...." , but now such thoughts are fading fast as they appeared.

Now again, same day has started, nothing much changed from yesterday other than date, but since it has just began, so its my chance to make most of it, roll my tongue over and relish it. Yes, yes, yes...........!

Friday, September 24, 2004

Mis-fit or loner!

Standing all alone..….all friends and so called friends, companions, acquaintances leaving one by one without making any sort of noise, without bothering even to look back even once. Suddenly there is commotion…starting with a shiny object and whole world becomes alive, and he still standing there alone …..feeling the unending pain of indifference, wondering how priorities change, how people change….so swiftly change their masks, leaving him stranded with no where to go.

“Early morning, saw the lonely moon in the blue sky and sun making its way up”

Mis-fit or loner!

Tuesday, September 21, 2004

Bond beyond death.

Hmmm....I've been carrying this poignant piece in my wallet for past 11 years.

Bond beyond death.

By Harpreet Kaur Malhotra.

Against all my misgivings, my marriage also came the normal way – an arranged one. I was always dead against marriage, as I had rarely if ever come across a couple where both treated each other as lifepartners rather than “a husband” and “a wife”. With their individuality being always smothered into these ‘moulds’, acceptance as person he or she was was missing.

Nobody seemed to believe in ‘if you love something set it free’, being too insecure to give even a breathing space to each other’s existence.
Expectations of the other person conforming to one’s idea of ‘my husband’ or ‘my wife’ ran too high.

I remember one of the good guys, I had met had a desire to be capable of affording any object of luxury that his wife desired. He wanted to be some sort of a ‘Jinn of the chirag’ Alladdin had possessed. Only in this case the chirag would have been in the hands of his ‘privileged wife’.

But Ravi never mistook these ways of showing love as ‘love itself’. A personality so strong that he needed no crutches of materialistic luxuries to express his love. His feelings as well were as transparent and clear as the strongest element on earth:water.
If ever I tripped and fell, Ravi would not come to hurrying up to me and make a fuss over the fall. I would be silently given a chance to recover and only if required would he hold my hand.

In moments of distress, his calm expression would be betrayed only by the eyes darting back and again to my face to gauge the extent of pain. The broad palm of his hand caging my small one all the time, his eyes would fly open at the faintest groan of pain at night. The hug would become just an inch closer and he’d put his cheek to my forehead, with the inevitable catch in his chest.
We never had more than a twenty-year old scooter to drag us to places and we had never been more than just human beings to each other.

I still remember the first arranged meeting between us. The very ordinary looking guy right after introducing himself, and that too only by his name, had politely shot the question “What kind of a person do you want in your life?” And I had gone bla-bla-bla ending with a whimperish “One who can accept me as I am.” After listening to my blabber, he had asked “I’ll always try to do that…accept you as you are…will you….marry me?” Whoa! All apprehensions had evaporated and my jaw had most stupidly dropped with the pleasure of the shock and thereafter the “yes” had come like a pounce, lest the bird flew away.

The trip after tying the knot had been the coolest one. I always felt as if he had known me for years. Acceptance eventually calmed the turbulences and the wrinkles of disagreements were ironed out into no time.

He taught me how to negotiate, reach out to the other person’s side and meet midway. He would refrain from doing things for me, preferring to let me struggle through on my own, of course under his non-interfering guidance. His unmoving faith in me always moved my confidence to high levels of self-efficacy.

He would be the most articulate to me while wading through life’s troubled waters. During those trying times a “what happened” would open up a detailed account of what had really gone wrong. Advice and opinion was sought and even silliest of my suggestions were not dismissed.

And that day also, when I was as if sleep walking going through the nightmare of his death did, he lay there with an expression of serene, somehow content that he had left me fully capable of taking care of myself even through the worst that could ever happen to a loved one. The sense of independence and endurance he had helped me inculcate did not let me be shattered by the curse of widowhood. Even the sight of him and a part of me being consigned to the flames, I could endure, accepting “the final truth of life -- Death”.

My strength is ‘HIM’. And we’ll always remain together.

Monday, September 20, 2004

We lost; I'm not upset!

Deservingly we lost yesterday, that too to our archrival Pakistan, still I'm not upset.
We thoroughly deserved to lose.
With all drama, hype and noise, thrown into it but bottom line is that we lost.
And irony is there is no single player who can be made scapegoat for the defeat, it was a collective team-effort :-)
Actually, we started preparations for this day right from the day when team was selected for this twin-tour for three championships. Whole composition of team is screwed up, we if have to ask Dravid to keep wickets then what was need of having specialist keeper, what a waste of a player, and can anyone explain the logic behind the selection of Rohan Gavaskar, this guy cannot bat, cannot bowl, cannot field properly, is in late twentiesss....then how his selection over players like Dinesh Mongia or Ambavvati Rayyadu or say Romesh Powar can be justified. His domestic as well international record is pathetic as compared to these guys i just mentioned.
We all know, Ganguly has not DONE anything substantial with bat and bowl (no, I’ll not talk about his fielding, this guy cannot field), apart from scoring against countries like Kenya/B'desh, he has not performed at all since he has become captain. He should not take his place for granted; he is not someone on whom we can rely on.
He WAS a good player, not now he is good for NOTHING.

Right from top, from Sehwag/Ganguly/Laxman/Yuvraj they all are woefully out of form but still are sure of their place in the playing eleven..WHY??? ...coz' there was not a single replacement on the bench, there was not a single "Batsman" to take place of a batsman. Whole selection was flawed; bench-strength was not in sync with the requirements of the team.

How can they justify Gavaskar as Sachin's replacement, this whole thing is so disgustingly ridiculous.
Its been ages since we played decently against any decent side. We have not lasted full quota of 50 overs lately; this is so shameful. And then they claim to be number two in the world.

These series were nothing but test of character, platform to rise to the occasion and except Dravid/Kaif/Pathan to some extent Harbhajan, all others fail miserably.

Now time has come for two seprate times for test-matches and one-dayers, for-example guys like Laxman and Kumble, they are just too GOOD for test-matches but lack a thing or another for one-dayer requirements, one guy cannot bowl at-all and other cannot bat at-all, and both cannot field, both have poor running between the wickets. We need bits-pieces but committed players, guys who can bat, who can roll their arm whenever required, who are live-wires on the field, have secure hands.

Take look at Aussie squad, apart from Ponting and Hayden, all of them have dual roles, like Clark can bowl and bat, Symonds is the future of Aussies Cricket, the complete one-day player, capable of changing course of the game with bat or ball or thunderbolt throws from the deep. They have amazing bench-strength fully backed by their management, there is always a Haddin to take place of Gilchrist, there is a always a Watson or Harvey waiting to pounce on the failure of Clark or Symonds, even Bevan sits out now a days, then here is Brad Hodge or McGill ever ready to step in Warne's shoes, same goes with their pace battery, now all their 4 top bowlers McGrath/Gilespie/Lee/Karporwiz firing all cylinders leaving the selectors in dilemma over team selection. And players like Brad William and Nathan Bracken still on sidelines, with so much of over-flowing bench strength no one can take his place for granted in the playing XI.

We need Jayasuriyas/Youhanas/Flintoffs/Symondss who believe in finishing the game on their own rather than doing their bit and leaving the result to the rest, odd 50s or 60s from Dravid or Kaif will not take us any further. We need match winners.

Its high time, we badly need two teams for two versions of game, and a good bench strength, there should be a pool of say 30 players who should be ready for national duties at any given time, this will save the management of hassle of finding players in case of injuries, like in the case Sachin, team manager called Dinesh Mongia to be ready but management sitting here in India decided to stick with Gavaskar, also Bhandari was asked to leave for England on short notice. Being mentally fit for national duty is more important than physically fit.

We lost; I'm not upset!
I'm hurt.

Friday, September 17, 2004

Whose blog is this anyway??


Its my space.

Idea behind starting this was write down all which can't be said..or lost somewhere in the maddening day to day life, idea was to have some meaningful dialogue with myself, idea was to hit myself..hit hard.
Still..I don't feel bad about it, its me.

I'm a restless soul, there is sssoooo much going on and on in my mind and it is becoming increasingly difficult to keep a track on everything.

So many things are scattered around and but I'm not going to put them in place....if I do that then I'll lose myself.

I want to write about lots of about lessons learnt during 5 years @ work, lessons not learnt during 5 years @ work. Basically everything about the last five years. How the life of a 23 years old guy changed and changed like anything...gains/pains..., and after 5 years, reality check tells me that I'm 28 now. 28 yes 28., and I don't remember how it felt like being a 24/25/26 year old, time just flew past while I was fixing some code, and traveling in the buses of delhi. I was 23 yesterday and suddenly I realize I'm 28 today, and numbness of the years spent between make me feel OLD or ancient. One moment young moment OLD.

Waise I know, its all in the mind, but still...certain things become difficult if not impossible when age is not on ur side.

kal na main itana bura tha kya hua
tera dil bhii aainaa tha kya hua

zindagii mein mod kitane aa gaye
ye to sidhaa raastaa tha kya hua

ye imaarat aaj kyun viraan hai
is jagah par ek Khuda tha kya hua

Thursday, September 16, 2004

5 Years @ work.

Today not in the best of the moods, so I'm afraid again this post might turn out to a depressing one, hmmmm..don't know exactly what is putting me down, but bit of many things are pulling me down. I want to get over this spell as soon as possible and I'll come out of it. Yes, I'll.

16th September is a special day for me, and will remain so through out my life.

I started my career on this day in 1999. I got my first break after 2 months of passing out from University, I won't say I had difficult time, may be I didn't realize that those were the hard times :-) , but it was a great relief to get a job after some heart-breaking rejections (to be frank, I still carry that hurt n feel the pain) (unlike everything, there's reason behind that).

Date:: 16th-September-1999, time:: 9:30am, Venue :: My first company, my first job, Connaught Place, New Delhi.
{{Though, been through a lot, at all the places I worked but my first job and collegues there will always hold special place my heart, I can say I've made friends for life there and thats enough reason to feel good about everything.
Memories of first job are endless, and as usual..difficult to put into words.

Resigned on:: 27th Feb 2003.

First job is more-or-less like a first-love , it remains with you, u like it or not.

5 years........time for introspection!!!!!

Result:.........will write after introspection.

Sunday, September 12, 2004

Week in nutshell

1) Neeraj is back.
2) Wasted first two days.
3) Had lunch out on 3 days.
4) Purchased VCD of Yuva, yet to see the complete movie.
5) ......................
6) Had a major fight with a STUPID HR person at work.
7) Had an argument with the boss.
8) Resumed playing.
9) Delivered first WO.
10) Didn't ate anything on saturday.

Life is all about fragrances I guess, isn’t it??

shhhkssssssssss...I'm smelling like an agarbathi....
It is damn difficult to change ur deo...after using a particular brand for full 7 years, it’s virtually impossible to find out the right fragrance.

Life is all about fragrances I guess, isn’t it??
Smell of flowers, of freshly painted doors, of nail polish (yes nail polish), hair, smell of a baby(less than 3 yrs old), smell of books, smell of currency, of food (allu-paranthas/biryani/kebabs) :-)

Its all about fragrance, yes its all about fragrances or smells shall I say.

One's smell speaks volumes about the person, smell at their
workstation/ smell of their car smell of their cell phones, smell of their bags.
Choice of their aftershave, deo, hair-conditioner etc etc tell the untold story. Yes, its all about smells..stimulating ones....exhilarating ones....replusive ones.
(my boss’s cabin smells like a pan-shop minus background radio playing some “dhin-chak” song.)

At times it casts a magical spell..sometimes shoots right in the HEAD, killing instantly.
At times unconsciously we end up spending more time than necessary with some one and at times we feel like throwing them out of the window coz of their hell-like-smell, we feel like putting all the available tapes in world, on their mouths.

At times, it makes us assume a lot about someone, and at times all assumptions evaporate after knowing their smell.

hmm smells reminds us of people/places/events...bloody whiff of air has all the power to takes us back to some known or unknown times, willingly or unwillingly.

I read somewhere that its scientifically proved that our body odor reflects our thoughts, brain triggers certain reactions and forms the sweat, or like depends on how brain to reacts to situations/and people.

But why the hell I made the mistake of purchasing this agarbatthi-smell-like deo, or my nostrils gave up after trying sooo many deos and
coaxed me to buy this one.

I’m still smelling like an agarbathi!

Wednesday, September 01, 2004

Death of a weekend.

Hmm....or "Death of another weekend"..or "Death of an extended weekend" would have made appropriate title :-)
Weekend was the last nail in the coffin of the already boring week I had.
Though all three days at home people surrounded me but I felt fiercely lonely.
Since it was soooo boring I don't want to re-live all that again.

(Best part was visit of my one year and 3 months old twin nephews, they are IDENTICAL twins, not an iota of difference and I simply could not make out who is Abhi and who is Manyu, they cry at same time, they shout at same time and fell sick at same time, sleep at same time.)