...कह देना तुमको याद नहीं

कोई तुम से पूछे कौन हूँ मैं

कह देना कोई ख़ास नहीं

वोह जागे यूँ ही रातों में

वोह रूठे छोटी बातें पे

चुप रह सब कुछ कहता है

न तैरता है न बहता है

वोह गाढ़ी नींद का ख़्वाब है

वोह ठहरा हुआ सैलाब है

वोह दरख़्त पे बैठी धूप है

वोह बारिश से उलझता काग है

वोह चुप है पर उदास नहीं

वोह पास भी है और पास नहीं

कह देना कोई ख़ास नहीं

वोह मील के पत्थर गिनता है

वोह तारों की बोली सुनता है

बाज़ारों में तनहा है

और तन्हाई भी उसे रास नहीं

कह देना कोई ख़ास नहीं

कोई तुम से पूछे कौन हूँ मैं

कह देना तुमको याद नहीं 

0.1%

Not sure, what I’m going to write or what’s going on with me. Most probably it will turn into a long depressing rant, and will make ‘stronger’ case for people who perceive and call me a loser.

You know, what’s been haunting me for few days, months and years is ‘nobody cares’. Right, words have become too meaningless, conversations too shallow, it’s all so superficial. Like, ‘how are you? Or how are you doing?’ Do we/they even know what they/we are asking? Do we/they really want to know? Are we/they willing to listen? Willing to spend energy on someone? Willing to make a connection or investment in someone? 99.9% answer is a resounding NO.  

But still, interactions/conversations rotate and revolve around these, but WHY is it that? May be it’s the curiosity, that’s it. And at times, just to use other’s misery/success as benchmark for measuring our own life. Ohh this this guy is in such a mess, and my life is way better than him, or oh he is such a lucky chap and I’m down in the dumps. It’s like evoking our emotions (happy and sad) based on someone else’s.  That’s probably is the biggest poison, when we start treating other’s gain as our personal loss. Someone got a good job becomes ‘oh my life is so pathetic’, when someone buys a luxury car or vacation or house, it immediately becomes ‘my life is such a suffering’. If you are happy ‘no body cares’, if you are sad then again ‘nobody cares’. What’s going in your head, what you are thinking, what is troubling you? – Nobody wants to know, nobody cares. And I really can’t stress on this – nobody cares.   Yes, only curiosity is there, in same way as we like to watch reality shows (or peek into people’s Facebook profile). 

Earlier you come to terms with it better it is for you.  On contrary, if that’s what life is, then why do we want others to care? Why do we want others validation? Or interventions to validate our happiness or sadness? It’s like expecting others to give you a priority treatment on freeways because you had a tough day at work. Like you can hear happy or sad songs while driving depending on your mood but nobody cares in what mood you are driving or what’s going on in your life.

Consider yourself luckiest even if you have just one person in the life who really cares. Parents/siblings/spouse/friends everyone will care but till a certain point, after that you are on your own.  Choice is simple (simple things are most difficult), just become that other 0.1%.

यह मन

जहाँ नहीं है वही होना चाहता है
और जहाँ है वही से कौसो दूर है। …

देर रात jogging की ख्याइश बुनता है
भरी दोहपहरी में किसी पहाड़ की चोटी छूना  चाहता है

जब music सुनने का option  पास ना हो, तभी कुछ सुनने की तलब होती है
और जब होता है, तो कुछ ही देर में सब सुना सुना सा लगता है

कभी सारी दुनिया को switch off करके कोई किताब पढ़ने को तरसता है
और जब किताबें सामने हो तो सब समेट कर सोने का ढ़ोंग करता है

और जब सोने लगता है तो वोह भी time waste सा लगता है

जो है वो नहीं चाहिए।।।
और क्या चाहिए पता नहीं पर बहुत ज़रूरी और जल्दी  चाहिये। …

है तो बस........  एक ख़ालीपन

                           बेक़रारी

                           बेचैनी

                           बेसब्री

Music Theory

Music we choose to listen at different times reflects our inner-self.
And I think it usually follows a sine-wave kind of pattern;

Like when one is temporarily happy or is temporarily high on something, prefers to listen to so-called ‘peppy’ numbers in which it is mostly the loud-music/beats or rhythm that dominates, which immediately puts them in a party-sort-of environment whereas when one is feeling temporarily low then one wants to take solace in soft numbers where they focus on words being said rather than the music, numbers that transforms them into dim-lit settings, 100% alone.

Now comes the other half of the sine-wave, my personal favorite analysis actually; when one is sad deep-down inside and wants to fool oneself into being in a happy state, one tends to mask that again with loud, so-called peppy numbers; the moment loud music stops they start another one just to temporary forget something , so to mask something.

On the other hand, people who resort to soft numbers, slowly relishing the ‘sound’ of each word said, intoxicating themselves in the meanings/thoughts/imaginations of the words – are more happy and contented. It’s the magic of words, the aura they create is so beautiful that it transforms one in an euphoric state, it create some kind of divine connection which is impossible to define.

just like tiny matter that stays afloat in nothingness but is seen only when a ray of sunlight sneaks past from the corner of the curtain.....

it is there, when it is not there, and when it is there, it might not be there….

जहाँ कुछ नहीं है....वहां तुम हो....

....और तुम कहीं नहीं हो .......

कैसे जीते हो ...
हमेशा खुश दिखते हो

यार, तुम घूमते कितना हो?

बर्फ में भी सर्दी नहीं लगती क्या?
हर तस्वीर में बस मुस्कुराते दिखते हो?
पर आँखों को काले चश्में से क्यों ढक लेते हो?

तुम थकते नहीं?

न माथे पे कोई शिकन ना ही कपड़ो पे
न आँख के नीचे काले दब्भे पड़ते है और ना ही तुम्हारे कभी बाल बिखरते देखे

तुम्हे नयी जगह आसानी से नींद आ जाती है??

कितने बेफिक्र दिखते हो
खुल कर हँसते हो
मुस्कराहट और दांत इतने perfect कैसे रखते हो?


कैसे जीते हो ...
हमेशा खुश दिखते हो

चलो कुछ बात करे
बस तुम कहो और मैं सुनूं

somewhere, on the slant of a mountain, where sun and shadow play a game.
somewhere, from we can see a river flowing, and hear a distant falling waterfall,
also can see snow clad peaks of some far far away mountains.

somewhere, we can sit silent, and yet talk.

बस , यूँ ही बैठे रहे और खामोशियों को बात करने दे
यह सांसें थक गयी है , इन्हें थोडा सुकून दे

चलो कुछ बात करे
बस तुम कहो और मैं सुनूं .....

Is everything for real?

Or am I living someone else’s life in an alien land in disguise?

Sure?

Eternally looking for something which I have no clue about....…yet I'm looking.

Just like routinely I stand in front of my wardrobe looking for something which I know doesn’t exists but still I look for it.

Daily I start for somewhere and daily I end up from where I started.

It’s a circle I know, its slopes are slippery, and it drags me along with it like hordes of rush hour commuters push me in and out of the metro, like flock of seagulls escort me along the sky.

I feel like an odd pigeon among all the pigeons who feed on the left-over bread crumbs or discarded sandwiches on the sidewalks, who are so frightened and yet so fearless to face the mad dash of pedestrians and their contraptions alike, who eat as if that’s their last bit of food ever, and fly away in circles on slightest sign of danger, and end up on the same sidewalk after performing mindless ritual of flying two blocks in circles.

Daily I start for somewhere and daily I end up from where I started.

7 seven years!!!!

7 years, saat saal.....I still can't believe that I've kept this place alive for 7 full years. Of course , this is not what it used to be in jawani, but still I keep on sneaking 1-2 post a month.

Best part about it , I met so many interesting people just because this blog. And irrespective of my frequency here always make a point to visit their blog DAILY!!!

**
7 years, everything has changed, or nothing has changed; I clearly remember when and how I started this place, sitting bored/idle wasting myself, in pursuit of something unknown, something which is still eluding me, something of which I still have no clue.

That anxiousness, that madness, that emptiness, that restlessness, that something something has not changed at all.
On surface things look different too, well I gained weight, lost hair; I don't smile much but I do talk these days, all that crappy small talk about weather and sports; may be I'm mixing into 'duniya' or becoming one.
Anyways, at the same time I don't count those as negatives. I call it natural erosion of myself.
Positives are aplenty, God has been kind. First and foremost is my son, it seems that life before him was a total waste.
**
Life has been a sequence of "snoozes" or "dismisses" so far or that's what we control; however what happens in the background is like a flowing river, totally unbridled , sometimes violent sometimes serene, and beautiful most of the times.

*

Light...Leaves....Clouds...Shadows..Reflections....in water, on mirrors...in the dark....closed doors...locks...tree barks....empty benches.....parked cars....

...my list is endless, my list is incomplete...my list is my mind....

in case you are wondering, these are the things I want to click...

**
Uljaney ulajti rahi....dooriya badhti rahi.........

These days one simply can’t ignore Jerry Brown – Meg Whitman discussions.
And I’m no exception, though I’m not much interested in politics of the world be it India or US but like everyone, I too have my own strong biases, likes and dislikes for different parties and people.

So these days, almost everyone is talking about upcoming California Governor Elections, and since I’m a tax payer here for almost 5 yrs now, so I simply can’t ignore following their campaigns and all.
Earlier I used to favor Whitman, mainly coz of her huge contribution in the growth of eBay, (for records, way back in 1999, I was part of team which started eBay in India, it was called baazi.com then, and later on merged with eBay, and moved it’s operations to Mumbai). Anyway, I really admire the way she utilized all the resources and made eBay what it is today.

But these days, I’m getting my doubts about her, about the way she is spending her money in her race for the post of Governor. So far she has spent 90+ million USD in her political campaign. Agreed she is spending her own hard-earned money, but still 90+ million is a HUGE amount, and this kind of splurging starts to look obscene in context of California State which is already under some 20-30 billions deficit.

So giving reins of already an economically sick state to someone like her doesn’t sound good to me.

Also Jerry Brown is also not a saint himself, so no matter who wins but state of California is going to lose for sure.

**

Lot of cricket is going on these days, but it is not invoking the kind of interest in me as it used to do in past. Of course Sachin and Sangakara are playing magnificent cricket, and Ed Morgan, Stephen Smith, Umar Akmal are emerging to be future stars, but still something is lacking which I don’t know.

I think I’ll also retire from watching cricket the day Sachin hangs his boots.
Ideally he should retire only after scoring 50 hundreds in both forms but sometimes I get a feeling that he’ll retire from all forms of cricket after 2011 World Cup, which is just 6-7 months. And I dread that day, that’s going to be a very sad day for me and for millions like me.

**
Alright, I’ll stop now with the lines which are playing in a loop in my head may be after writing them here they’ll stop.

‘har ek haseen cheez ko choone ki umang hai….
Main aag kehta hoon, kahe sheyhad ha rang hai….

..continued from last post!

How come everything amazing is happening to you?

How come you are doing best-ever project ever possible at… world’s place of work?
Mujhe to parking spot bhi dhang ka nahi milta.

How come you’ve you got amazing colleagues, and a fantastic boss?

And I’m deleting the next guy who updates his/her status about Inception.

**
Interesting things are happening in cricket, like Murli taking 800 wickets, I mean EXACT 800, kam na zyaada but exact. Kuch to gadbad hai boss, otherwise Ojha would have ran himself out or fell on the wicket (on some other bowler’s delivery) or handled the ball, or obstructed the field to get out. . Kuch to gadbad hai boss.

Now my gut feeling says, India is going to win next one, that too very easily ;-)

Also, I think now Yuvraj must be the happiest person after SL’s win ;-)

Another interesting fact, now after Murli’s retirement, Harbhajan is the next highest wicket-taker in test-matches among the current active ones. I’m not counting Ntini or Vaas as active anymore.

**
So Afridi retired ( again)..But didn’t he say he will retire after Headingly Test, but PCB immediately declared Butt as new captain and even dropped from Afridi from team for Headingly Test.
Strange are the ways of PCB.

Randomness continues.....

Habits damn habits,…one I hate most is of delaying all tasks till the last minute.
Just like, while playing, almost in every game I give first point as gift, and then try to come back from there.
Sometimes I dig myself a hole by doing down double service breaks and then fight every point to avoid defeat. Some days I win, some days I lose, but never learn the lesson that every single point counts. Every single minute counts.

Earlier it used to be the thrill of working under pressure, and doing a good job of it, but now that’s not the motivation either. Don’t know what it is.

**

I felt terrible for South Korea, and today feeling same for Japan. Not fair.

While we’re at it, I’ll pick Argentina as favorites to lift the cup or Brazil or Spain as 3rd choice

**

Watched Rajneeti, that too whole movie at one go, and guess what, I didn’t like it.
It was like watching a Manmohan Desai movie with different kind of masala.
It kept on throwing scenes after scenes, plots after plots without giving anytime to think, pause and gulp what is being shown.

It started with lot of confusions, and God only knows what was that voiceover? who was talking to who?
Whole movie relied on dragging the already confused audience to the current scene, and so in fear of again missing out something audience focused on 1 scene at a time, and that each scene looked like a short mysterious story (which wasn't the case).

I’ll not go into that Kunti-Karan scene or everyone getting pregnant and all, but can’t help pointing out Katrina’s dialogue in end…”aapke bhai ansh chhod gaye hai” what crap was that? Who the hell talks like that?

**
Now I think I should stop, and go home to catch Spain-Portugal action.

Random

There are two kinds of players, one who raise their game when they play a higher-quality player and there is one who drags their higher-quality opponent to their low-level and then beat them by playing street-smart shots.

And I think I belong to both kinds. Some days I’m aggressive and match them shot-by-shot and some days I slow it down, and play lot of lobs which land right on baseline, and then hit lot of drop shots to bring them to net. It looks ugly but fun nevertheless ;-)

***

Alright, after a long, watched a movie, or I’ll say watched first 30-40 minutes of the movie KITES. And so far it’s ok; I think I can finish it in another 2-3 sittings.

On a positive note, I liked this Barbara Mori lady; she looked fantastic, someone like actual actress, well don’t know how to put that in words but to say the least after a long time saw some mature, gorgeous unabashed (in right sense, ok) woman unlike run-of-the mill teenage actresses of these days.
Alright, let’s hear it straight, she is someone of my age-group whom I can ogle at without any guilt ;-)

**

Anyone following Wimbledon?? John Isner / Nicolas Mahut match?
They played 4 sets yesterday before bad-light stopped the match-
They stopped at
6-4, 3-6, 6-7, 7-6, and
And today resumed the fifth and final set and score as I type is 47-47.
I’m sure their next round opponent must be a very happy man.

**

Ruh ke bandhan khultey nahi hai……daag hai dil ke dhultey nahi hai…..

Damn, it’s been ages since this place was updated. I mean seriously updated with something.
Oh alright, it’s not that I’m short of posts or anything, it’s just that I’m plain lazy..and that reflects here too.

And sometimes I wait, like wait for certain things to happen then will update here but that wait never gets over, and even when it does I don’t bother to move a muscle to update this place. And hell then it becomes a damn habit.

Well, that word reminds me, if a person does one thing for a 21 ‘consecutive’ days then that becomes a habit. So keyword here is ‘consecutive’. And I can’t even remember this for 21 days to form good habits. (21 days?? are you kidding me, my attention span is down to 2.5 seconds from 4.5 seconds).

And kal aise hi ‘Eureka Moment hua’ and I wrote this on my twitter –

“TV ne padhna bhulaya, Computer ne likhna bhulaya and Twitter ne blog bhulaya”

Padhne mein simple si baat hai but sahi si simple baat hai, and simple cheezen if not done properly become bigger problems :-(

**
Khair, everyone is getting excited over Ravaan, of course movie, but don’t know why I’m not getting that feeling which I used to have in anticipation of a Mani Ratnam movie, even music is not helping it, it is good agreed but somewhere it sounds forced to me. And thoughts of songs being picturised on Junior AB don’t make a pretty picture.

काश

जिस तरह तूने  सहेज रखा है मेरे ख्यालों को 

काश तूने वैसे ही कभी मुझे सहेजा होता। 

If only

Oil problems can be resolved….

If all people park their vehicles at the first available parking spot rather than taking 4 rounds of parking lot looking for a better/nearest spot.

Benefits are endless….most important being life of foot wears will get a boost.

'Rann is a bad film. Period'